Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I Just Made You Up To Hurt Myself

Almost a year ago today, I wrote a letter to The Asshole.  One I never plan to send of course, but I wrote it just the same.  You could say that it was just another step in the ongoing exorcism of the Ghost of Just Me Past

I always think about him around this time of year.  Despite the fact that it's been over a decade since I helped him to celebrate it, September 30 is his birthday, and I never forget.

Tomorrow he turns 40.  And my thoughts must have reached right out into the world and called him up to haunt me, because he crept out of my past and into my present this week.  Luckily it wasn't into my world directly, but he has crossed my path and it's been just a little too close for comfort.

I shouldn't care.  Heck, I shouldn't even think of him at all any more.  Sure, I almost married the jerk, but that is ancient history now.  Yet every time I think I'm shut of him for once and for all, it turns out to be just a temporary state of being.  The saddest part about this whole mess is that he isn't even doing anything anymore.  It's all me and it's all in my mind.  Because I'm the one that continues to make him larger than life.  I'm the one that gives him more power than he deserves. 

Still, damn it.  After all these years.

12 comments:

Brian Miller said...

i really dont know what to say...it is hard seeing someone you once cared for...no matter what they did to you...i gotta story..maybe in an email...

kkrige said...

Anniversaries are rough. Treat it as a wave that will recede. It still hurts, but the waves get smaller with time. Anticipation can help to quell some of the power. Mark it and state it and throw it away. Life moves on, but the strength that you have won from the experience lives on my friend. Truly it does.
Hugs

Kala said...

Ouch. Some memories don't die, no matter how hard we try to bury them. <3

Debbie(single;complicated) said...

Don't be too hard on yourself!! I know its hard . I struggle with this myself sometimes! allow your self to think and feel..remember or hurt..and then move on! Until the next memory!

Eric Alder said...

You obviously still have unresolved issues concerning him, something that won't let you put him behind you yet. (Maybe you need to forgive him for being an asshole?) Once you figure out what it is, you'll finally be able to move on.

Cheryl said...

It gets easier once whatever unfinished business lies within is healed. This I know first-hand. Still working on it with a few folks. Most of the demons are gone.

Charlene said...

My asshole moved. It's been 13 years. I don't think about him anymore, much.

adeeyoyo said...

I did marry the sod. How I was such a fool I don't know, but I stayed married for over 20 years of being mentally abused until I had no self-confidence left. But in the end I found the strength to leave. Making the decision was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but once done - whew!

Rainbow said...

I would say that yes it may be silly that you think about him every year but I would add that you are blessed to have loved so deeply. Someday you will learn to shed that girl and embrace all the lessons she has for you. Until then don't beat yourself up for thinking about him.

Eric Alder said...

I had a secondary thought: You may also need to forgive yourself.

evalinn said...

I know just what that feels like.

Stranger said...

I have an asshole in my life too. Last January he tried to add me as a friend on Facebook. Although the hurt and anger never went completely away, the friend request brought so much up that I thought all progress I made 15 years ago was lost. It wasn't lost. I just needed to purge deeper I suppose. Hope you too discover that your asshole's reappearance proves to you that you are stronger and better than you realized. And it's ok to still feel the past as long as we don't dwell there at the expense of our present.