Saturday, November 21, 2009

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

It seems that I've gone and lost the words.

Sometimes, they seem to be at my beck and call, and they pour forth from me on demand.  But these last few days, the pressure to say something of substance shuts down everything.  I'm not worthy of the blank box that Blogger gives me to record my thoughts.

This blog...I'm not sure if I'm going to continue here.  I like it, but it feels so narcisistic.  Is it right to spend so much time delving into the depths of my heart?  Okay yes, there are times when writing around an issue has illuminated a dim corner of my soul.  But other times...well, maybe it's just so much navel-gazing, and aren't there more productive ways to spend my time?  Either way, tonight I find myself wondering what the point is in sharing these thoughts here.  What is it that I'm looking for?  Validation, kindred spirits, recognition, or, all of the above...?

I don't know.

Some days, the dark is on me.  The dark days give birth to words, I've always found that to be so.  Other days, the dark recedes.  And once again, I'm not worthy.  My words are weightless, they hold no value. 

Why must the two states be mutually exclusive?  And why do I feel the need to even ask?


kkrige said...

I understand what you are saying. Sometimes I write blither. I am trying to keep writing regardless, as I occasionally look back and find even the mundane has good prose. If you don't need to dredge through the dark recesses of your soul, then write drivel or write on another day. Or shake yourself up with pictures, lists, music. Or nothing. If the need is met, perhaps it doesn't need to be continued. I would be sad to see you go though.

Me said...

ha...the sad truth is that I am *narcasistic*. I'm not sure I could stop now if I wanted to. Blogging is apparently my crack. :)

I think I'd miss sharing things with someone. Strange thought - you likely know me better than most people that I see in "real life" everyday. Well, definitely my darkness anyway...